This Tender Precious Heart

I've been sweet on someone lately, which means instead of being my semi-relaxed, charming self I've been in a state of constant agitation, brimming with uncertainty, questioning everything about the nature of relationship and my ability to be in one. And of course this internal storm stifels the wildness of my heart and I become something of a rigid, unmovable mountain.  Who doesn't love that feeling?

I can proficiently catalogue all the reasons things will not work at the onset of a relationship. I carry this list around, carefully checking it, editing it, lugging it like a heavy suit case.  I strategically place it in front of me because things are so obviously not right there's no point in opening, unpacking, and exposing my tender precious heart.

Hanging out with Dev the other morning I explain this pattern to him, giggling because I'm letting him a little further in to the depths of my craziness. Dev smiles knowingly and shuffles around the kitchen not saying anything for awhile. My smile slides off my face and I'm left with my loneliness.

"What if for one month you put all that stuff away?" Dev ponders. I snort, "Impossible!"

"Any time you have a thought about how wrong everything is remind yourself that you're not listening to those thoughts. It could be a meditation. Then in 30 days you can re-evaluate and take some time to listen again. You could watch for those thoughts that make you feel further away and then choose closeness by not feeding them."

So here I am. A week into this fun little intimacy adventure. At first I wasn't fully on board, worrying I was abandoning my intuition, but then things started to feel good. I softened. Now I'm freaking out in a different way because I'm feeling all gooey and vulnerable and seriously sweet. The softness of my heart is one of the most frightening feelings I know, but it beats the profound sadness I feel when I tell myself things or come up with lists that lead me to believe I am incapable of Love.

Ready for a pot-luck picnic. During August Paonia hosts a weekly free concert series in the park. So much fun!

These wrinkles. No good. Took it down. Setting it up again.

This is Karla. She's been ranching for over forty years. She's a total bad-ass.