Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Beyond Knowing

A few months ago I felt more strongly connected to my heart than ever. I was the ferocious guardian of my integrity and my intuition, which were immersed in tension that leads to self knowledge. The longing of my soul to crack its shell, leap into the ocean, and become naked to myself and others pulled tight and strong on every cord within me.

Then I made a decision that wasn't in alignment with my intuition. And from that decision came another, and another, and another. And when I looked up I was far away, like I had climbed into a canyon and come up on the other side.

Who else goes to that place that is far less threatening but leaves you emotionally starving? I do.

My mom and I have had a historically rocky relationship. During that  glorious, opening, heart-mending time we connected in an unprecedented way. I daringly let go of the stories from childhood--

    I have to be careful,
             I can't get too close,
                  Trust is a painful thing

--and I opened myself to her. My heart was instantly flooded. She's coming to visit me next week, just her and me together for the first time in my adult life. I am beyond grateful that we aren't going to wait any longer to do this.

As for my connection with my heart, I'm feeling better. I'm remembering my agency. I'm practicing my faith. I'm recognizing that the world works in ways that are far beyond my capacity of knowing.

Fall arrived on the day of Shawn and Chelsea's wedding.

After another amazing weekend, it's back to school.


  1. Thank you, Marian. I'm grateful for your writing - you stubbornly express those matters of the heart that often feel too big, too beyond words. I resonated so much with what you wrote here, and feel awed that, although our lives look very different, our path is really so similar. I am continually learning from you, and proud of you. Your journey fuels my own. As if I didn't know it already anyways, we are soul sisters.

    Big Love,

  2. I like this post though it leaves me wondering and wanting more details.... Somehow I'm not surprised that you made the delightful and beautiful eggplant pomegranate treats.

    Good luck with your visit with your mother. I hope you continue to transcend your past relationship issues and move on to better times. With love, L