I insecurely hesitated as I published my last few posts, because I know I'm tip-toeing around, saying the same thing over and over without really sharing much. I'm still hiding, perhaps out of courtesy to others, fear of over sharing (too late you say?), or a desire to appear clean by not miring myself in the muck of life.
When I checked my e-mail yesterday I laughed. My neighboring blogging pal, Laurel, totally picked up on this and gently prodded.
What is actually going on in your life. People want to know.
But I don't want admit to the things that make me a puny asshole!
...............
S, is unarguably a wonderful person. We "broke up" a few years ago even though we were never together in a formal, monogamous way. Ultimately S chose another woman over me.
This is me during that relationship:
I don't have expectations! I'm free from attachments! I have no boundaries!
In the aftermath of this relationship I discover I am a liar.
I continue to lug my bucket of sand around with me so that I can insert my head in it at opportune moments. I pretend I am okay with being brushed off by S. I cry when S fails to prioritize our "friendship". Then we have drawn out, challenging, and gratifying conversations that make me feel uncomfortably closer while also exposing how insecure, controlling, and needy I am.
I engage in unproductive conversations with the Other Woman, as if this is the person I have problems with. I realize that I need to take space, that it might always be uncomfortable, that being friends with someone who is involved with the crumbly contents of my cookie-heart is pretty complicated, confusing, and perverse.
I finally allow myself time to be sad that the one I fell for didn't fall for me. I decide I don't want to be a good sport anymore. I stop pretending.
I stop moping. I raise my head, pull my shoulders back. I put the whole messy story behind me as another learning lesson. I start dreaming. I start praying. I open myself to what's next with intention.
In the meanwhile, S's best friend is unshakably there for me as I fall apart and put myself together. I confuse this for budding romance...
Someone else comes along. While they suggest we explore something, I sit in a bathtub with all my clothes on: my attempt at setting boundaries. I press pause to I listen to my skepticism. Even though it tugs at me all along the way, I relent. Again, the relationship falls apart. I curse myself for my horrible decision making. For not listening to myself. For that damn bucket of sand I keep putting my head into.
..........
This is not exactly a tidy, packaged version of myself. It's not right. It's not wrong. It is a call for tenderness. Maybe I'll meet you there, in that space of being.
When I checked my e-mail yesterday I laughed. My neighboring blogging pal, Laurel, totally picked up on this and gently prodded.
What is actually going on in your life. People want to know.
But I don't want admit to the things that make me a puny asshole!
...............
S, is unarguably a wonderful person. We "broke up" a few years ago even though we were never together in a formal, monogamous way. Ultimately S chose another woman over me.
This is me during that relationship:
I don't have expectations! I'm free from attachments! I have no boundaries!
In the aftermath of this relationship I discover I am a liar.
I continue to lug my bucket of sand around with me so that I can insert my head in it at opportune moments. I pretend I am okay with being brushed off by S. I cry when S fails to prioritize our "friendship". Then we have drawn out, challenging, and gratifying conversations that make me feel uncomfortably closer while also exposing how insecure, controlling, and needy I am.
I engage in unproductive conversations with the Other Woman, as if this is the person I have problems with. I realize that I need to take space, that it might always be uncomfortable, that being friends with someone who is involved with the crumbly contents of my cookie-heart is pretty complicated, confusing, and perverse.
I finally allow myself time to be sad that the one I fell for didn't fall for me. I decide I don't want to be a good sport anymore. I stop pretending.
I stop moping. I raise my head, pull my shoulders back. I put the whole messy story behind me as another learning lesson. I start dreaming. I start praying. I open myself to what's next with intention.
In the meanwhile, S's best friend is unshakably there for me as I fall apart and put myself together. I confuse this for budding romance...
Someone else comes along. While they suggest we explore something, I sit in a bathtub with all my clothes on: my attempt at setting boundaries. I press pause to I listen to my skepticism. Even though it tugs at me all along the way, I relent. Again, the relationship falls apart. I curse myself for my horrible decision making. For not listening to myself. For that damn bucket of sand I keep putting my head into.
..........
This is not exactly a tidy, packaged version of myself. It's not right. It's not wrong. It is a call for tenderness. Maybe I'll meet you there, in that space of being.
Hi Marian,
ReplyDeleteI was coming over to your blog to respond back to your comment in response to mine on your Bear Heart blog....and saw this beautifully, yet imagine painfully, and courageously written entry. Life and love is messy but all we can do is face both with authenticty, humility, and courage. And from what I've seen you have done just that. This is a quote that I always go back to when I feel like am about to be taken by a wave of fear or anxiety: "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~A. Nin
Dear Marian,
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this beautiful insight into the agonies of love and life. I find there is simply nothing like not being chosen. Sometimes it seems it is a wound that never heals. I am so fascinated by the subtle dynamics of love and attraction. How can one feel so much for another without that other feeling those same feelings too? Why do we choose these certain people and why do they have such a hold on us?
We all want to appear tidy and packaged, but I know that none of us are. We are, all of us, just like this. Thanks for giving this side of things voice and life. It's so easy to blog about the beautiful things, and so hard to share the difficulties. Thanks for sharing this side of things. I feel you sister. You're beautiful inside and out.
Dare to ask yourself: would you rather be the one more in love or the one being loved? As much as we all want equality in every aspect its so rare to find.
ReplyDeleteI must message you... it is hard to express those deep inner thoughts and you do it so beautifully. You make me feel your awkward emotional pain. Many hugs.